I WAS OFFERED A LIFE LINE, I STILL SUNK.

I apologise sincerely, I really hoped that I would never have to mention the professor again, especially so soon. I am weak!!

So pissed at myself, was doing so well, had not contacted him all week, and was feeling better (less obsessed) this is a vulnerable place to be in as you think you're over the worst and it won't matter if you contact him. So, i woke up yesterday and had this overwhelming need to text him told him it was a shame we weren't friends (how pathetic...as if i want to be his friend!?) He responds telling me: He really liked me but feels he was going to get hurt, he wants something real and i don't... throughout the messages the general theme was he really, really liked me and wanted to try and see me later on and would call me...

By this morning I have not heard a whisper (plus I texted him drunk at 3am "your full of shit") So, when I'm on facebook and see he's online I can not resist but to message him, I am boiling up with rage, and i don't give a shit about all the cool i have worked so hard for, I just lose it, and abuse him! Including telling him he is insane and "good luck with finding something real that should be interesting..." He responds with the same shit and excuses... why can't he just say he's not in to me? Or "leave me alone you crazy bitch!" So we chat for a bit and then stop. But, i can't leave it at that can I???? Oh no, fucking bunny boiler then texts him asking if he can come round... AAAahhhhhhhhhhhh???!!!! Seriously?! Am i a fucking loon? this is some serious self harm. He says he's helping a friend but will call me later (we know that won't happen).

Now, i need to explain something about the professor and me... This is all ego, my ego. I just can't deal with some not so attractive boy with no ambition going from being besotted with me to disinterested. Although i know this, it doesn't make it any easier, it is a gruesome battle and i need to win to prove to myself that I am fabulous!

I am so upset after giving in again and texting him, that i go see my housemate (Tom Cruise) at his new lady friends in our building. I am telling them everything and generally breaking down. When she hands me this little black box and tells me to use this and I should start to feel better about things. I open the box to see a beautifully crafted small black vibrator (for the clitoris)

Because of my adoration for men, i have never seen the appeal with vibrators, but this smooth, small black object looks like a life line chucked out to me, i suddenly see that this is what my life has been missing, if this works maybe I will learn to just be myself and no longer feel this male need i crave.

I set it all up:

• You tube play list: with Pete, Jarvis and Julian on the large screen
• Double lock the front door
• Turn out the lights
• Relax

Not so much!! Although i did feel very relaxed there really was nothing to it, I just couldn't get into it, was thinking too much. I don't want a mechanical buzzing block, unless there's a hot man attached to it (or at the very least: present)

I will keep trying...