I JUST MET THIS 5 FT 7 GUY WHO'S JUST MY TYPE...

So far I've been really lucky with relationships and for some reason have managed to pick out a variety of good ones over the years. However, like most good things they eventually come to an end, and it seems so has my luck!

Let me introduce you in no particular order to a few of those who deserve a mention for being particularly pathetic, wankerish and thankfully out of my life

• Junkie Love: Still can't understand how this one happened, think it was at some point of my height of desperation, you know the drill... he was there at the right time, and somehow managed to worm his way in. Ugly as sin, ex junkie, skinnier than me (not an easy feat) and sooo irritating. Unfortunately despite all these factors, he was great between the sheets. The following measures had to be taken to ensure that i got what i needed and didn't pay for the consequences:

1. ALWAYS met him late at night, this would minimise any type of small talk
2. ALWAYS had sex with the light off, NEVER look at that face, such a thing could haunt you for life
3. This last one was a new one for me, i wouldn't necessarily recommend it, but considering the circumstances there wasn't much else i could do... Never kissed him and never touched below the waist. It sounds weird but if you are doing something for personal pleasure and not wanting to lead such a vile creature on. I couldn't act as if I want to know the man downstairs, all I needed to know was, is it doing his job? The answer was yes, so it is what it is.

• The Man with Body Dismorphier: This started as a snog up against a wall outside a club, a fabulous bit of fun, gorgeous slimy bloke, with a hot body (not my usual type, total gym junkie) But as I felt his pecs press against me and those strong arms pinning me against the wall, type was no longer an issue. He whispered in my ear... "Have you ever had black dick?" Wow, total violation, never heard such a thing!! My shocked expression didn't seem to discourage him, he continued to sell his manhood as one would Tupperware, durability, size, flexibility etc... Although obviously disgusted, I can't pretend I wasn't slightly sold on the idea... OK, he's getting a date. 2/3 dates later, it's finally time for the grand unveiling, we've enjoyed each others company, there's defo passion, and i'm dying with curiosity... It started well, he lifted me up like I weighed nothing, flung me onto the bed... Finally, it was time... Nooooooo the biggest lie I have ever heard. Was gutted, felt so ashamed for him, did he really think I wouldn't notice? Honestly, there was nothing to it. It was 60% foreskin (so I suppose if you unravelled all of that, it would have been HUGE). No need to feel sorry for Mr Body Dismorphier however, he was happy as larry, brimming with confidence... proud as punch!

To be continued...