I'M LOVING ANGELS INSTEAD

Thursday night at the bar with Madame fabusaurus-rex (actress/diva extraordinaire.) Green point is its usual scruffy self, everyone trying to look as though the least bit of effort has been made. Every boy wears plaid, has a beard/moustache and the greasiest of hair (yum-seriously, that's hot!) and the ladies... God only knows. However, not fabusaurs and I, oh no, not us...we have no shame in looking good, effort has been made, we're going in guns blazing, shaking what are mothers gave us! Total confidence boost!! You'd think Green point had never seen an attractive lady (much less 2).

The bartenders had caught our interest, meaning I thought one was hot and the other thought fabusaurus was hot (much to her dismay!) They kept giving us free drinks and I started to chat with Knoxville, at first he was being a bit cool and stand offish, but after a bit he warms up and we began to flirt. It turns out that he's in a band (of course) and he has played a lot in England, and strangely enough he's played in my home town on various occasions, this reminder of home, makes me even more interested.

I go off to the loo and see I have text from fabu:
Text Message
"He's Married!"

Oh, that's not so fun...When I get back to the bar, I ask him he says he's been married for 2 years but has been with her for 9. (Fab! The gold wedding band, I 'd failed to notice before, now is very noticeable) I kind of back off until we decide to get pics in the photo booth, knox and Fred (the other bartender) come with us. Due to the lack of space, I end up on Knox's knee, his hands are round my waist (they feel great). After this we're straight back into flirting, something is going to happen....

The customer's start to clear out of the bar... Fabusaurus wants to leave, but is staying to support me with the mating ritual. She pulls knox across the bar and says:

"Listen. Will you get this over with? It's late and I'd like to go home. Copy?"
He nods.

Soon it's just the four of us, Knoxville suddenly changes, all reserve has left him, now, he is super-confident, loud, smiling from ear to ear... Yey, he's fun, definitely fancy him. I know the whole wife business is not so good, and I'm really not proud of me trying to pull a married man (It's normally something I'm dead against, but I'm drunk and I suppose I don't really care... sorry, but am just being honest with you guys.) He starts to sing (really sing) I realise that he is singing Robbie Williams... You know, really singing Robbie... There was lots of passion involved, I'm finding it increasingly difficult to watch his fall from grace, especially during the chorus, when all inhibitions fly out the window, and he's belting (howling) out every line, giving Mr Williams a run for his money. As the song draws to an end, I sigh (phew) and feel like it's safe to look back up at him, I think I can get passed this. What?? Another one, straight after, this can't be happening... I see him arch his back, he's getting ready to start, I look at Fabasaurus she nods, we get up, we leave...

TURKISH DELIGHT... NOT SO DELIGHTFUL

Yesterday morning I was on the subway on my way to work, as usual the train was "waiting at the station, due to traffic ahead" so I sat there for 10 minutes, stressing out about being late, when a figure taps me on the head, I look up and to my horror I see Turkish delight! I automatically blush as distant memories start racing through my head, i feel sick... Shit! I try to mask my horror and smile sweetly "Hey! Haven't seen you for ages... so, yeah...I guess I'm back!"

Why, oh, why oh why, do I ALWAYS bump into this young Turk??!!

How It Started

I met him and a couple of his friends on the 4th July (Independence day) I had gone out to see if i could see the fireworks from my street, I was alone and it was raining. His friend offered that I share his umbrella, we got chatting and they invited me for a beer. They were perfectly sweet boys (total nerds) because I was waiting to meet a friend, I thought why not?

The Power of Wine

A few months later, I was on my way back from work when I bumped into Turkish delight, he asked if i wanted a drink, so we bought a bottle of wine and went to his. The more wine I drank, the more I started to think that maybe i fancied him, I could possibly go through with it, maybe it would be nice?? It gets later and later and he tells me I can stay over "as friends" so I get into his bed... (still not certain if i want anything to do with him, but think if he makes a move, i might have a little kiss just for the hell of it) So, when he tells me "I really want to kiss you, I've been wanting to all night..." I think why the hell not?
Ugh!! WTF?? Can someone please explain to me how a 28 year old male, who has been in a couple of long term relationships, can kiss like that? It was horrific... I could feel his entire gum and his teeth whilst kissing, it felt as though his jaw was wired together, so the overall effect was like kissing a robot, if that was all he was capable of, why on earth would he even say he'd been wanting to kiss me, there is no way he could enjoy such a thing, there was nothing sexual about him, he was awkward (I feel sick just thinking about it) and as for his hands... Aaahhhh, stupid pathetic male. I felt like i was "making out" with an over-excited 13 year old.

Repeat Performance
I really have no explanation to why a few nights later I find myself accepting his invitation and am stood at his apartment door. As soon as he opens it, I feel this sinking feeling. He starts talking, I can't even look at him... It's the way he speaks, his jaw is so stiff, his chin so protruding, and his lips curl up, I am suddenly reminded as to how grossed out i was by our previous encounter (and now I've come back for more!! Am i insane??!!) I want to get the fuck out of there, but I don't (?) it ends up the same way as last time (this time I'm not even drunk) None of the pathetic gropes, awkward fingers can be numbed out by alcohol, there is no way that I can think of someone else either (you would never want to think of anyone touching you the way he does). He is getting really into it, even though I am stiff and the only reaction my body makes is shudders of disgust. And then, the not so delightful Turk, moves my hand down to his pants, (no chance love) I whip my hand away. So rather than taking the hint (me being stiff, barely kissing him, not wanting to touch him etc...) He decides to get it out himself and starts beating it off pointing it towards my stomach. I don't even have the energy to tell him to put it away and leave. Instead I just let him get on with it, I offer my waist as a gift to him, he will never get to cum over something so fabulous again (unless its in print.)

Caught out
So after he exploded all over me, I finally learned my lesson and have avoided him like the plague ever since... But for some reason, fate wants to fuck with me as I always bump into him!!! It's not fair!!!! Every time I do, I get myself into a web of lies that I can't even keep up with:

• Me and my Ex are back together
• My Ex is in NY
• My ex deleted him from my facebook
• My ex deleted him from my phone
  

And the last time I 'bumped' into him, I told him I was moving back to London and "NO, NEVER COMING BACK."

Oops, how am I going to get out of this one...

I WAS OFFERED A LIFE LINE, I STILL SUNK.

I apologise sincerely, I really hoped that I would never have to mention the professor again, especially so soon. I am weak!!

So pissed at myself, was doing so well, had not contacted him all week, and was feeling better (less obsessed) this is a vulnerable place to be in as you think you're over the worst and it won't matter if you contact him. So, i woke up yesterday and had this overwhelming need to text him told him it was a shame we weren't friends (how pathetic...as if i want to be his friend!?) He responds telling me: He really liked me but feels he was going to get hurt, he wants something real and i don't... throughout the messages the general theme was he really, really liked me and wanted to try and see me later on and would call me...

By this morning I have not heard a whisper (plus I texted him drunk at 3am "your full of shit") So, when I'm on facebook and see he's online I can not resist but to message him, I am boiling up with rage, and i don't give a shit about all the cool i have worked so hard for, I just lose it, and abuse him! Including telling him he is insane and "good luck with finding something real that should be interesting..." He responds with the same shit and excuses... why can't he just say he's not in to me? Or "leave me alone you crazy bitch!" So we chat for a bit and then stop. But, i can't leave it at that can I???? Oh no, fucking bunny boiler then texts him asking if he can come round... AAAahhhhhhhhhhhh???!!!! Seriously?! Am i a fucking loon? this is some serious self harm. He says he's helping a friend but will call me later (we know that won't happen).

Now, i need to explain something about the professor and me... This is all ego, my ego. I just can't deal with some not so attractive boy with no ambition going from being besotted with me to disinterested. Although i know this, it doesn't make it any easier, it is a gruesome battle and i need to win to prove to myself that I am fabulous!

I am so upset after giving in again and texting him, that i go see my housemate (Tom Cruise) at his new lady friends in our building. I am telling them everything and generally breaking down. When she hands me this little black box and tells me to use this and I should start to feel better about things. I open the box to see a beautifully crafted small black vibrator (for the clitoris)

Because of my adoration for men, i have never seen the appeal with vibrators, but this smooth, small black object looks like a life line chucked out to me, i suddenly see that this is what my life has been missing, if this works maybe I will learn to just be myself and no longer feel this male need i crave.

I set it all up:

• You tube play list: with Pete, Jarvis and Julian on the large screen
• Double lock the front door
• Turn out the lights
• Relax

Not so much!! Although i did feel very relaxed there really was nothing to it, I just couldn't get into it, was thinking too much. I don't want a mechanical buzzing block, unless there's a hot man attached to it (or at the very least: present)

I will keep trying...

IF I CAN'T HAVE YOU... THEN I NEED A MAGIC PEN

The man hunt is off!!

It has suddenly dawned on me whilst watching various you tube clips with my housemate that:

If I can't have Pete...

If I can't have Jarvis...

If I can't have Julian...

Then I need a vibrator

LETTING OFF STEAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am going to put my hands up and confess: I love Lily Allen, in fact i am going to wave them up high and shout it... She has been a guilty pleasure of mine for a while now, but recently she has really stepped up and become not only my therapist but also, she is me/I am her.

Without Lily, i would be an even bigger pathetic mess. Whenever I am dealing with boy trouble or about to cave in and do something stupid, Lily reels me back in.

Below, shows why Lily has become my life guru:
In moments of weakness, I whack on "Shame for you"

"Shattered the lie but you think I don't already know, Don't try to deny 'cause my fuse is ready to blow It's your turn to learn I think you know where to go It's a shame shame shame for you"

These words make me feel strong and fab and "fuck you!!!" It is a shame for you, a shame for you and your little penis...

Oh, and the opening of the song (loves it):

"I've been thinking that you've crossed the line, If you disappeared that would be just fine, 'cause you waste my time and waste my money and you're not too cool and not too funny! Spreading your seed all over the town getting too greedy and messing around: Oh my gosh you must be joking me If you think that you'll be poking me."

OK, so maybe i don't actually feel this way, maybe i am desperate for a reappearance. However, when i hear this it makes me stronger and it feels GREAT!!

Seriously, you rarely hear women talk like this so publicly (except feminists and butch dikes, so no one listens as they are ugly) but to have a hot, young, feminine girl exposing her exes so publicly is so empowering. Those men needed telling, and I love her for it... I'm sick of mothering these little fuckers and massaging their egos.

And as for not big:

"I saw you thought this was gonna be easy, Well, you're out of luck. Yeah, let's rewind, let's turn back time to when you couldn't get it up, You know what it shoulda ended there, That's when I shoulda shown you the door. As if that weren't enough to deal with, You became premature."

Thank you lil!!! He couldn't get it up??? Why didn't it end there, its a good question, so, if i had a penis which became incompetent, do you think Tom, Dick and Harry would be hanging around, trying to build up my confidence trying to find ways to approach the subject and deal with it...NO fucking way!!!

So, next time your feeling heartbroken and sad about a retarded male, put on one of the following songs:

• Lily Allen "Not Big"
• Lily Allen "Shame for you"
• Lily Allen "Smile"
• Beyonce "If I was a boy"
• Beyonce "Irreplaceable"
• Kelis "Caught out there"
• Destiny's Child "Independent Woman"
• Britney Spears "Stronger"
• Aretha Franklin "R.E.S.P.E.C.T"
• Kelly Clarkson "Since you've been gone"

I'm telling you it works, even if only for a minute, it could save you from getting into all sorts of trouble or degrading situations
(Have you looked at these girls!! How are such beautiful, talented, intelligent ladies, being put in situations where they even need to sing about this stuff... No man could EVER look as good)

And, ones to avoid at all costs:

• Sinead O'Connor "Nothing Compares to you" Umm, lots of things compare to you, such as arseholes, vomit, vermin...
  
• The Pretenders "I'll stand by you" If your not going to tell me what's wrong, and act like a moody dick then you know where the door is.
• Roxette "Must have been Love" blah, blah, blah, shut your mouth buy a handbag (Miu Miu, Marc Jacobs... Things will feel great)

And all of these are from the 80's WTF??!! Shoulder pads, women climbing up the corporate ladder... Seriously?

DON'T WANT NO SHORT, SHORT MAN....

Ever since i met the professor there have been a few things i have wanted to get off my chest, up until now i have held back from letting the truth be told as i liked him and didn't want to accept it's going nowhere (not even i would air my laundry publicly if i was still sleeping with someone). However, i can safely say it's done... We had finally got things back on track a few days ago and he was actually being sweet and attentive, he invited me to a magazine launch the following day and was telling me he missed me and all the rest. So, when the next day came i got NO phone call, NO text not EVEN a bloody Instant message...WTF!!! (and have heard nothing since) I seriously think he is clinically insane, especially since I'm a little hottie and he's a skanky mess...

"YOU'RE NOT BIG YOU'RE NOT CLEVER, NO YOU AIN'T A BIG FELLA, NOT BIG WHATSOEVER" Cited from Lily Allen "Not Big":

I can't express the disappointment i felt when i first met it, thankfully it made up for in width what it lacked in height, to provide a clearer picture, you could just about get your hand (I have TINY hands) around it but there was no space for any kind of movement. Now in the past when i have encountered such a thing i have ran for the hills, but something made me give it a go and try and work with what god had given him (bless!) There is one positive thing i can say for such a little mouse and that is, you could actually do positions with no discomfort that never really worked with anything average or above.

NO YOU DIDN'T:

It was only on our second sexual encounter that the professor felt that it would be somehow acceptable to SPIT from a height onto my bits (too much porn, too much porn....) I tried to ignore it and carry on but when he spat a second time and i saw the phlegm fall from his mouth and splatter on my lady parts, i had to explain to him that this was not appropriate behaviour and he needed to refrain from spitting on me...please. (if he wanted things to be more moist there's a quite a lot you can do... lazy fool)

Now, there is so much more to it than penis size and spitting, in fact these things were not huge concerns of mine, (strangely enough) the things that mattered and drove me crazy were:

• The number of times i was left waiting for him after we'd made plans to meet, i would have rushed home from work, after being excited all day about seeing him, would spend ages getting ready to make myself absolutely flawless, and then i would wait and wait... and not hear anything! Generally the excuse was that he's passed out (coke head). But, seriously this wasn't once or twice this was 6 or 7 times, in about 5 weeks!! The most tragic thing was that i would never no when to give up waiting, so i would leave it to the final hour when i would reluctantly remove all make up, tie my hair up and got my pyjamas on... waste of a shave, waste of nice knickers
• So, after the above treatment, i would often find myself either ignoring him (a day was about all i could manage) or telling him that we should "just be friends", "this isn't working" or when i was less rational "fuck this". The responses i would get would be so dramatic "NO"... "Don't say that"..."I'll make it up to you"... "I really like you" blah, blah, blah... I feel sick to admit that when he said these things a huge smile would spread across my face and all the knots in my stomach would undo.
  
• He was completely unreasonable and would get upset with me over the weirdest of things. For example: One of my BFF's and a good friend came to visit me from London, as soon as they'd left he started ignoring me and being weird (for about 3 days.) Now, take into consideration, over these few days, i was homesick, had NO money and had stormed out of my job after a massive row with my boss (he knew all of this). He finally confessed that he was "hurt" as he felt i had put him aside for my friends?!! (this is 2 weeks into seeing each other.) He was fully aware that things were going shitty for me, but his feelings were so much more important than anything else... ARSEHOLE!!!!!!!

Now I am going to remain single and strong, so, hopefully, this will be the last you will hear of the professor...

BLOG HAS MOVED HOME

Due to sheer stupidity I have had to move my blog, am sad to say bye to Going Stateside (sniff...) but am thrilled to say hello to A Bite Of The Apple, which is going to be a no bars held honest account of my life in NY

TODAY: I love the Pulp Razzmatazz Video!!!

I love jarvis, i love jarvis, i love jarvis....

HANDLE WITH CARE

After not being overally impressed with my date with ex-offender, am confused to how I found myself being kept up all night with a 4 hour long disturbing monologue?

I had been looking forward to meeting with Professor Umbridge that night, but instead was in bed my 10.30 (alone). So, obviously when Ex texts asking if he can come round, I felt he may as well, after all i was all shaved, moisturised within an inch of my life and ready to go. I already mentioned that he talks a lot, well, I don't think I quite realised just how much. I have never had anything like it, he was sat up (in the dark) ranting and raving about all types of crazy shit, I could not get one word in edge ways, here's a brief description of how it went.

• HE LIKES ME: Everyone at work had commented on how happy he'd looked that day, he explained it was cos of being with me the night before... I tell him "whatever" (I really don't want to hear that shit, I don't like him and i CERTAINLY do not want to hear that he likes me) But to no surprise a man is incapable of leaving it at that and continues to insist that it's true, he had such a great time blah, blah. And its not just that he thinks I'm hot but he really enjoys talking with me, he's actually interested in what i have to say (??!!) This was so frustrating, i kept trying to move the conversation on but he thinks this is me not believing him and having low confidence, as if i need some reassurance (Are you fucking kidding me, just shut up and come here to do what you're here for) This is something that irritates me so much with men, they have such huge ego's, it would never cross their mind that when you tell them "whatever" or "shut up" you actually mean it. Ugh!
  
• MY MOTHER'S A WHORE: Apparently his mother is a whore, she is dating 3 men, one is a meth taking biker who's in jail, another she doesn't like but he pays for stuff and think I'd switched off momentarily with the third. It's difficult to know what to say when someone is calling there mum a whore (very loudly) looking forward with a crazy glint in their eye and clenched fists! I tried to suggest that maybe she is going through a bit of a breakdown? To which he screams "8 YEARS she's been like this 8 YEARS!!!!!"
• GROWING UP IN THE HOOD: The usual tale of how hard it was growing up. In this case it was Philly, and apparently it was hard. He spent over an hour retelling his life story, which included: being the only white guy in his neighborhood, being shot at, stab wounds, gang fights, normal fights, and more fights, think there was some drug tales too.... Seriously? I wasn't even in this conversation, didn't say a bloody word (or sound) he just talked and talked and talked.... And like any girl i have heard this story a million times from a million boys and it makes me feel sick to the pit of my stomach. It's so cringe worthy, why do they do this? Can't they keep it for their mates?
• DOING TIME: Now, he spoke about a lot of other stuff over the 4 hours, this was the only story that made me feel like i should listen. He ONLY went to maximum security for 2 weeks, as the defendant never turned up to court so he got out. Excuse me?!!!

So, now i realise that telling ex-offender that i never want to see him again must be handled with care. I get a variety of texts the next day asking if i want to go to brunch, what am i doing tonight etc... I decided text is the only way, so tell him very nicely that I don't think we should see each other as I feel weird about my ex, he was very good about it. It really is fabulous to be freshly single and able to use the ex excuse to such a great advantage, can get you out of all sorts of situations...

The Proffesor and the Offender

Dating stateside continued...

Met Professor Umbridge through a friend, fist impressions weren't great, however went along with it and was having a fine old time, until he began to show that he was an unstable maniac! Complete selfish human being, for the last few weeks of our short stint, i would be waiting around for him, but god forbid i didn't text him straight back or be at his complete beck and call and all hell would break lose. So decided enough was enough and scraped my battered ego and remains of dignity off the floor and decided it was time to move on...

This is where ex-offender comes in, a customer at my bar, sort of cute if you're desperate and looking for someone so low on the food chain to pick up all doubts created by another fucker and make you feel gorgeous (gasp!... now breathe) I was trying my best to flirt with him, when his girlfriend walks in, a mere child... This will be easy! He he!

Two days later i get a call from my boss, saying ex-offender had dumped the child and wanted my number. So we met in a bar, there were no seats so he suggested another place. We're having a perfectly nice time, ex-offender likes to talk about himself a great deal and is very expressive vocally, almost like tourettes. But of course things can't be simple can they? A figure approaches us asking if we've seen a coat, its only one of professor Umbridge's band mate, OK, that's fine he may not recognize me, (try to avoid speaking so as not to flash the accent) I begin to realize things may not be that fine as a great deal of band equipment starts entering the bar, this does not look good! I ask a fellow patron if they know if a band is playing and who this band is? Of course it would be Professor's... fuck, in all the bars of Brooklyn! i grab ex offender, telling him we need to leave now, and pretty much sprint out of the bar, straight past Professor Umbridge who is too busy being self absorbed to notice me...phew!

Now, bearing in mind ex-offender had been employed to serve as a well needed distraction for professor (in the space of a couple of days) me turning up on a date where he is playing is not a good look. Total restraining order behavior, I'm not saying that such a thing is out of the realm of my mind, def something i would probably entertain the idea of, however, this time it was simply a case of bad luck!

I JUST MET THIS 5 FT 7 GUY WHO'S JUST MY TYPE...

So far I've been really lucky with relationships and for some reason have managed to pick out a variety of good ones over the years. However, like most good things they eventually come to an end, and it seems so has my luck!

Let me introduce you in no particular order to a few of those who deserve a mention for being particularly pathetic, wankerish and thankfully out of my life

• Junkie Love: Still can't understand how this one happened, think it was at some point of my height of desperation, you know the drill... he was there at the right time, and somehow managed to worm his way in. Ugly as sin, ex junkie, skinnier than me (not an easy feat) and sooo irritating. Unfortunately despite all these factors, he was great between the sheets. The following measures had to be taken to ensure that i got what i needed and didn't pay for the consequences:

1. ALWAYS met him late at night, this would minimise any type of small talk
2. ALWAYS had sex with the light off, NEVER look at that face, such a thing could haunt you for life
3. This last one was a new one for me, i wouldn't necessarily recommend it, but considering the circumstances there wasn't much else i could do... Never kissed him and never touched below the waist. It sounds weird but if you are doing something for personal pleasure and not wanting to lead such a vile creature on. I couldn't act as if I want to know the man downstairs, all I needed to know was, is it doing his job? The answer was yes, so it is what it is.

• The Man with Body Dismorphier: This started as a snog up against a wall outside a club, a fabulous bit of fun, gorgeous slimy bloke, with a hot body (not my usual type, total gym junkie) But as I felt his pecs press against me and those strong arms pinning me against the wall, type was no longer an issue. He whispered in my ear... "Have you ever had black dick?" Wow, total violation, never heard such a thing!! My shocked expression didn't seem to discourage him, he continued to sell his manhood as one would Tupperware, durability, size, flexibility etc... Although obviously disgusted, I can't pretend I wasn't slightly sold on the idea... OK, he's getting a date. 2/3 dates later, it's finally time for the grand unveiling, we've enjoyed each others company, there's defo passion, and i'm dying with curiosity... It started well, he lifted me up like I weighed nothing, flung me onto the bed... Finally, it was time... Nooooooo the biggest lie I have ever heard. Was gutted, felt so ashamed for him, did he really think I wouldn't notice? Honestly, there was nothing to it. It was 60% foreskin (so I suppose if you unravelled all of that, it would have been HUGE). No need to feel sorry for Mr Body Dismorphier however, he was happy as larry, brimming with confidence... proud as punch!

To be continued...

TRULY, TRULY, TRULY OUTRAGEOUS

My bar is shutting for a couple of months, so was on my final shift for a while, it was dead, there was some horrific hip hop event that had been planned for a couple of months, there were more MCs/DJs than there were punters... And out of the few customers, only one of them bought drinks... and didn't tip (Don't make me come over there...!!)

Howevs, we closed early and all went back to a friends loft, was quickly cheered up... I was having a nice girly chat, reminiscing about being little and our behavior, stuff we loved. When it hit me! This conversation was alien to me, they don't know about Ant and Dec! Or button moon, Bill and Ben, Whackaday... oh dear, for once i was stunned into silence... can you even imagine growing up without Jason Donavon, Philip Schofield, Grange Hill and seriously... Take That!!! WTF?? Not even East 17, they'd never heard a whisper, rumour, did not have an inkling of all those great leaders that guided us throught the 80s and 90s.

Anyhow, i had had enough! I was not going to be kicked out of one of my favorite convos just because i've not heard of blah blah blah American TV host extraordinaire...

Suddenly it came to me, the image of a young animated teen, twisting her pink star shaped earring and suddenly morphing into.... Jem, that was it... American, fabulous, cartoon, ticked all the boxes... Excitedly i shouted/sang out "Jem!!! Truly outrageous, truly, truly, truly outrageous..."

The blank looks said it all, not ONE of those born and bread Americans, had a clue...



Also:
A question to any Brits:
Were turtles banned in England due to children going into the sewers to look for teenage mutant hero turtles and sometimes taking there turtles with them. And feeding them pizza etc...
As was amusing all with this tale last night, and this morning i couldn't remember if it was true or if i had somehow made it up over the years

BRITNEY IS OK... AND THAT'S HOW I WOULD LIKE IT TO STAY

Such a sad old day yesterday, as soon as i woke up the force of all things going on over the last couple of weeks hit me full force and knocked me for six. Decided to go for a walk round central park, going back to the City as i first knew it, and remember why i fell in love with it.
I got stopped by some old drunks, who told me to go to strawberry fields, sat down there for an hour... There were these guys singing beatle song after beatle song, and quite a crowd. Now, i couldn't care less about the beatles, however. with the mood i was in i cant pretend the odd tear didn't find its way splashing down my cheek... Drama!! I suddenly realised that i was sat in the freezing cold, with icicles stuck to my face, chilled to the core, it was time to head home...
Was about to get on the subway, when i suddenly get a call from my fabulous McCutie from Paris, he tells me very calmly "Britney is dead" well, this was just too much... what is a girl to do in a huge city, on her own being subjected to such horrific tales??? After that the floodgates just opened up, (the fabulous thing about living in a big city, is you can do whatever you like in public and people will leave you the hell alone...phew) Got home to an abundance of texts from friends whom i had broke this devastating news too... "she's not dead... she's on the Xfactor singing live...Its OK"
Sigh... Britney is ok

NEWS FLASH.... ITS A WIG!!

I moved to this city in June, and have been through up and downs, all kinds of fun and drama. I witnessed history in the making (Obama), halloween, shared a thanksgiving dinner with close friends, and much, much more... But nothing quite prepared me for the following discovery made in my first week here, a riddle of sorts.
Hannah Montana and Miley Cyrus are the same person!!! What? Impossible??? How does that work? I know, its such a puzzle. Apparently young miley puts on a blonde wig and becomes a whole new person... And the crazy thing is none of her friends are aware of this deceit.
WEll, its time this American sweethearts secret was revealed, and i feel i am the person to let the cat out the bag on this one... Hannah... Miley... We know, so now you need to choose. Your not allowed to be 2 people at once, surely that's illegal?

Busted!

MY INSPIRATIONAL SITTING (in front of the box)

This week has not been a great one, its been one of those which started badly and seems to continue in that direction... So tonight when i got back from work, after having to go totally out of my way to the bloody T.Mobile store as they'd made some mess up with my text messages, Really? Of course i have to go to one particular store not just any... Anyhow, so am home and really restless, waiting for this annoying man to call (which he wont), want to go out for a drink but am on antibiotics, This week has not been a great one, its been one of those which started badly and seems to continue in that direction... So tonight when i got back from work, after having to go totally out of my way to the bloody T.Mobile store as they'd made some mess up with my text messages, Really? Of course i have to go to one particular store not just any... Anyhow, so am home and really restless, waiting for this annoying man to call (which he wont), want to go out for a drink but am on antibiotics, so no.
Anyway decide, to have a little catch up on some of my fave reality disaster programmes. Thinking at least this will pass the time, surely it will be time to go to bed soon. (Have bad PMS, thus the constant moaning!) So, start with Real Chance of love and then move onto Rock of Love Charm School, was such a good idea! Here's how:

Rock of Love Charm School: In today's episode the Rule was "Thou Shalt Rock at Love" trying to teach the girls that in order to be successful in relationships, they need to show what's on the inside, blah blah blah... So they made the girls really ugly with these special effects make up artists and then sent them out on dates to see how they would do without their looks. OK, whatevs. The bit that clicked with me was when the relationship expert, was saying "sex makes you stupid... as soon as you have sex with someone, its hard to control your hormones, you forget about everything etc...

"Hello!! Welcome to my world... Thank you dear sex therapist, this is what i needed to hear, so i am not mad, not a crazy bunny boiler... its the god damn sex, NO MORE!!! Have been recently slung onto the shelf like a bag of flour that suddenly discovered a sell by date. A five year relationship vanished 2 months ago and have found myself single in this city, where i know pretty much no one, so am able to start a fresh (which is a good thing) however, starting a fresh when you don't know so many people is not so fun! I end up running into the arms of anyone who'll let me in, looking for another man, its what I'm used to... Am dying for sex, craving attention (Ugh) But this is supposed to be me time. Relationships should be so far away from my head, no strings should be any wear near to any sex I'm having. But, being able to disconnect emotionally when doing the deed is tough... Have been truly inspired by her wise words... he he!! So old, but was so true, from now on i have 2 simple rules i must obey by, and will try and pass this enlightenment on to others:

1. Date, date, date... variety of dates, have lots of fun, date a nice variety of men and DO NOT sleep with them (unless your so unattracted to them, so you can safely bet feelings will not develop)
   
2. If you can only date one at a time, and you just cant help but getting into a situation where, oops you've done it again, just remember "Sex makes you Stupid" Remind yourself of this when you want to text/call him, your thinking about him more than you should, even say it to yourself before you go to meet him, and ultimately shagging the living daylights out of him...