DON'T WANT NO SHORT, SHORT MAN....

Ever since i met the professor there have been a few things i have wanted to get off my chest, up until now i have held back from letting the truth be told as i liked him and didn't want to accept it's going nowhere (not even i would air my laundry publicly if i was still sleeping with someone). However, i can safely say it's done... We had finally got things back on track a few days ago and he was actually being sweet and attentive, he invited me to a magazine launch the following day and was telling me he missed me and all the rest. So, when the next day came i got NO phone call, NO text not EVEN a bloody Instant message...WTF!!! (and have heard nothing since) I seriously think he is clinically insane, especially since I'm a little hottie and he's a skanky mess...

"YOU'RE NOT BIG YOU'RE NOT CLEVER, NO YOU AIN'T A BIG FELLA, NOT BIG WHATSOEVER" Cited from Lily Allen "Not Big":

I can't express the disappointment i felt when i first met it, thankfully it made up for in width what it lacked in height, to provide a clearer picture, you could just about get your hand (I have TINY hands) around it but there was no space for any kind of movement. Now in the past when i have encountered such a thing i have ran for the hills, but something made me give it a go and try and work with what god had given him (bless!) There is one positive thing i can say for such a little mouse and that is, you could actually do positions with no discomfort that never really worked with anything average or above.

NO YOU DIDN'T:

It was only on our second sexual encounter that the professor felt that it would be somehow acceptable to SPIT from a height onto my bits (too much porn, too much porn....) I tried to ignore it and carry on but when he spat a second time and i saw the phlegm fall from his mouth and splatter on my lady parts, i had to explain to him that this was not appropriate behaviour and he needed to refrain from spitting on me...please. (if he wanted things to be more moist there's a quite a lot you can do... lazy fool)

Now, there is so much more to it than penis size and spitting, in fact these things were not huge concerns of mine, (strangely enough) the things that mattered and drove me crazy were:

• The number of times i was left waiting for him after we'd made plans to meet, i would have rushed home from work, after being excited all day about seeing him, would spend ages getting ready to make myself absolutely flawless, and then i would wait and wait... and not hear anything! Generally the excuse was that he's passed out (coke head). But, seriously this wasn't once or twice this was 6 or 7 times, in about 5 weeks!! The most tragic thing was that i would never no when to give up waiting, so i would leave it to the final hour when i would reluctantly remove all make up, tie my hair up and got my pyjamas on... waste of a shave, waste of nice knickers
• So, after the above treatment, i would often find myself either ignoring him (a day was about all i could manage) or telling him that we should "just be friends", "this isn't working" or when i was less rational "fuck this". The responses i would get would be so dramatic "NO"... "Don't say that"..."I'll make it up to you"... "I really like you" blah, blah, blah... I feel sick to admit that when he said these things a huge smile would spread across my face and all the knots in my stomach would undo.
  
• He was completely unreasonable and would get upset with me over the weirdest of things. For example: One of my BFF's and a good friend came to visit me from London, as soon as they'd left he started ignoring me and being weird (for about 3 days.) Now, take into consideration, over these few days, i was homesick, had NO money and had stormed out of my job after a massive row with my boss (he knew all of this). He finally confessed that he was "hurt" as he felt i had put him aside for my friends?!! (this is 2 weeks into seeing each other.) He was fully aware that things were going shitty for me, but his feelings were so much more important than anything else... ARSEHOLE!!!!!!!

Now I am going to remain single and strong, so, hopefully, this will be the last you will hear of the professor...

BLOG HAS MOVED HOME

Due to sheer stupidity I have had to move my blog, am sad to say bye to Going Stateside (sniff...) but am thrilled to say hello to A Bite Of The Apple, which is going to be a no bars held honest account of my life in NY

TODAY: I love the Pulp Razzmatazz Video!!!

I love jarvis, i love jarvis, i love jarvis....

HANDLE WITH CARE

After not being overally impressed with my date with ex-offender, am confused to how I found myself being kept up all night with a 4 hour long disturbing monologue?

I had been looking forward to meeting with Professor Umbridge that night, but instead was in bed my 10.30 (alone). So, obviously when Ex texts asking if he can come round, I felt he may as well, after all i was all shaved, moisturised within an inch of my life and ready to go. I already mentioned that he talks a lot, well, I don't think I quite realised just how much. I have never had anything like it, he was sat up (in the dark) ranting and raving about all types of crazy shit, I could not get one word in edge ways, here's a brief description of how it went.

• HE LIKES ME: Everyone at work had commented on how happy he'd looked that day, he explained it was cos of being with me the night before... I tell him "whatever" (I really don't want to hear that shit, I don't like him and i CERTAINLY do not want to hear that he likes me) But to no surprise a man is incapable of leaving it at that and continues to insist that it's true, he had such a great time blah, blah. And its not just that he thinks I'm hot but he really enjoys talking with me, he's actually interested in what i have to say (??!!) This was so frustrating, i kept trying to move the conversation on but he thinks this is me not believing him and having low confidence, as if i need some reassurance (Are you fucking kidding me, just shut up and come here to do what you're here for) This is something that irritates me so much with men, they have such huge ego's, it would never cross their mind that when you tell them "whatever" or "shut up" you actually mean it. Ugh!
  
• MY MOTHER'S A WHORE: Apparently his mother is a whore, she is dating 3 men, one is a meth taking biker who's in jail, another she doesn't like but he pays for stuff and think I'd switched off momentarily with the third. It's difficult to know what to say when someone is calling there mum a whore (very loudly) looking forward with a crazy glint in their eye and clenched fists! I tried to suggest that maybe she is going through a bit of a breakdown? To which he screams "8 YEARS she's been like this 8 YEARS!!!!!"
• GROWING UP IN THE HOOD: The usual tale of how hard it was growing up. In this case it was Philly, and apparently it was hard. He spent over an hour retelling his life story, which included: being the only white guy in his neighborhood, being shot at, stab wounds, gang fights, normal fights, and more fights, think there was some drug tales too.... Seriously? I wasn't even in this conversation, didn't say a bloody word (or sound) he just talked and talked and talked.... And like any girl i have heard this story a million times from a million boys and it makes me feel sick to the pit of my stomach. It's so cringe worthy, why do they do this? Can't they keep it for their mates?
• DOING TIME: Now, he spoke about a lot of other stuff over the 4 hours, this was the only story that made me feel like i should listen. He ONLY went to maximum security for 2 weeks, as the defendant never turned up to court so he got out. Excuse me?!!!

So, now i realise that telling ex-offender that i never want to see him again must be handled with care. I get a variety of texts the next day asking if i want to go to brunch, what am i doing tonight etc... I decided text is the only way, so tell him very nicely that I don't think we should see each other as I feel weird about my ex, he was very good about it. It really is fabulous to be freshly single and able to use the ex excuse to such a great advantage, can get you out of all sorts of situations...

The Proffesor and the Offender

Dating stateside continued...

Met Professor Umbridge through a friend, fist impressions weren't great, however went along with it and was having a fine old time, until he began to show that he was an unstable maniac! Complete selfish human being, for the last few weeks of our short stint, i would be waiting around for him, but god forbid i didn't text him straight back or be at his complete beck and call and all hell would break lose. So decided enough was enough and scraped my battered ego and remains of dignity off the floor and decided it was time to move on...

This is where ex-offender comes in, a customer at my bar, sort of cute if you're desperate and looking for someone so low on the food chain to pick up all doubts created by another fucker and make you feel gorgeous (gasp!... now breathe) I was trying my best to flirt with him, when his girlfriend walks in, a mere child... This will be easy! He he!

Two days later i get a call from my boss, saying ex-offender had dumped the child and wanted my number. So we met in a bar, there were no seats so he suggested another place. We're having a perfectly nice time, ex-offender likes to talk about himself a great deal and is very expressive vocally, almost like tourettes. But of course things can't be simple can they? A figure approaches us asking if we've seen a coat, its only one of professor Umbridge's band mate, OK, that's fine he may not recognize me, (try to avoid speaking so as not to flash the accent) I begin to realize things may not be that fine as a great deal of band equipment starts entering the bar, this does not look good! I ask a fellow patron if they know if a band is playing and who this band is? Of course it would be Professor's... fuck, in all the bars of Brooklyn! i grab ex offender, telling him we need to leave now, and pretty much sprint out of the bar, straight past Professor Umbridge who is too busy being self absorbed to notice me...phew!

Now, bearing in mind ex-offender had been employed to serve as a well needed distraction for professor (in the space of a couple of days) me turning up on a date where he is playing is not a good look. Total restraining order behavior, I'm not saying that such a thing is out of the realm of my mind, def something i would probably entertain the idea of, however, this time it was simply a case of bad luck!

I JUST MET THIS 5 FT 7 GUY WHO'S JUST MY TYPE...

So far I've been really lucky with relationships and for some reason have managed to pick out a variety of good ones over the years. However, like most good things they eventually come to an end, and it seems so has my luck!

Let me introduce you in no particular order to a few of those who deserve a mention for being particularly pathetic, wankerish and thankfully out of my life

• Junkie Love: Still can't understand how this one happened, think it was at some point of my height of desperation, you know the drill... he was there at the right time, and somehow managed to worm his way in. Ugly as sin, ex junkie, skinnier than me (not an easy feat) and sooo irritating. Unfortunately despite all these factors, he was great between the sheets. The following measures had to be taken to ensure that i got what i needed and didn't pay for the consequences:

1. ALWAYS met him late at night, this would minimise any type of small talk
2. ALWAYS had sex with the light off, NEVER look at that face, such a thing could haunt you for life
3. This last one was a new one for me, i wouldn't necessarily recommend it, but considering the circumstances there wasn't much else i could do... Never kissed him and never touched below the waist. It sounds weird but if you are doing something for personal pleasure and not wanting to lead such a vile creature on. I couldn't act as if I want to know the man downstairs, all I needed to know was, is it doing his job? The answer was yes, so it is what it is.

• The Man with Body Dismorphier: This started as a snog up against a wall outside a club, a fabulous bit of fun, gorgeous slimy bloke, with a hot body (not my usual type, total gym junkie) But as I felt his pecs press against me and those strong arms pinning me against the wall, type was no longer an issue. He whispered in my ear... "Have you ever had black dick?" Wow, total violation, never heard such a thing!! My shocked expression didn't seem to discourage him, he continued to sell his manhood as one would Tupperware, durability, size, flexibility etc... Although obviously disgusted, I can't pretend I wasn't slightly sold on the idea... OK, he's getting a date. 2/3 dates later, it's finally time for the grand unveiling, we've enjoyed each others company, there's defo passion, and i'm dying with curiosity... It started well, he lifted me up like I weighed nothing, flung me onto the bed... Finally, it was time... Nooooooo the biggest lie I have ever heard. Was gutted, felt so ashamed for him, did he really think I wouldn't notice? Honestly, there was nothing to it. It was 60% foreskin (so I suppose if you unravelled all of that, it would have been HUGE). No need to feel sorry for Mr Body Dismorphier however, he was happy as larry, brimming with confidence... proud as punch!

To be continued...

TRULY, TRULY, TRULY OUTRAGEOUS

My bar is shutting for a couple of months, so was on my final shift for a while, it was dead, there was some horrific hip hop event that had been planned for a couple of months, there were more MCs/DJs than there were punters... And out of the few customers, only one of them bought drinks... and didn't tip (Don't make me come over there...!!)

Howevs, we closed early and all went back to a friends loft, was quickly cheered up... I was having a nice girly chat, reminiscing about being little and our behavior, stuff we loved. When it hit me! This conversation was alien to me, they don't know about Ant and Dec! Or button moon, Bill and Ben, Whackaday... oh dear, for once i was stunned into silence... can you even imagine growing up without Jason Donavon, Philip Schofield, Grange Hill and seriously... Take That!!! WTF?? Not even East 17, they'd never heard a whisper, rumour, did not have an inkling of all those great leaders that guided us throught the 80s and 90s.

Anyhow, i had had enough! I was not going to be kicked out of one of my favorite convos just because i've not heard of blah blah blah American TV host extraordinaire...

Suddenly it came to me, the image of a young animated teen, twisting her pink star shaped earring and suddenly morphing into.... Jem, that was it... American, fabulous, cartoon, ticked all the boxes... Excitedly i shouted/sang out "Jem!!! Truly outrageous, truly, truly, truly outrageous..."

The blank looks said it all, not ONE of those born and bread Americans, had a clue...



Also:
A question to any Brits:
Were turtles banned in England due to children going into the sewers to look for teenage mutant hero turtles and sometimes taking there turtles with them. And feeding them pizza etc...
As was amusing all with this tale last night, and this morning i couldn't remember if it was true or if i had somehow made it up over the years