PLAYING THE GAME

I had my waitressing job tonight (which is on the same street as the medieval artists flat) it was dead. I was so bored, so spent the whole evening hoping he would pass by the bar (he often does)... I kept thinking about how i would act when I saw him, and try and get a date with him.

The vegan came up to my work to visit me, we discussed some good stalking techniques for the following day and future. I finished work and we were walking back, pretty much as soon as we step out, I see medieval walking towards us down the street. I tug at V's sleeve, and start hissing "this is him... shit... OK... that's him" I start to panic, stressing about how I'm gonna suggest we meet for coffee or something. He stops to talk, I'm on auto pilot, trying desperately to slip something into the conversation, that I'm not picking up on anything he's saying.

As soon as we've said our goodbyes and begin to head away from Medieval, I feel really pissed at myself for not saying anything. But, the Vegan turns to me and says "Hor-rif!!!" (the vegan can be a complete Diva as well, he is an unusual combination of hare krishna 79% Paris Hilton 21%) and went on to explain that he had never seen anything so pathetic. He thought that for once this guy was a total hottie and was impressed that I'd picked such a thing! And was in shock at my incompetence, apparently, the guy was totally interested and was dropping huge hints, such as:

• I've just finished teaching, going to get some food, what you guys doing?
• I feel like a bit of a loser going to eat and have a beer on my own...
• Are you guys heading home or going to get a drink?

But of course I was just too busy stressing out that I didn't pick up on any of it... So annoying... Have decided I'm not going to stalk him tomorrow after my failure tonight. And there is actually some real positives in all this:

• Playing it cool: Now, he will think I'm all aloof and not into him, cos I had no reaction to any of his suggestions- (will def be interested.)
• Slow it down: If I had gone for a drink with him, I may have ended up kissing him or probably would have definitely ended up kissing him. So now there will be more of a build up, which is always fun!
• Taking Control: I'm working again in 2 days, I def won't see him by atleast then, so, the next time I see him, I can act all confident and suggest meeting up. And I will come out not looking desperate, which can never be a bad thing!
  

So, the above points show that I am inadvertently actually "playing the game" avec this medieval man, which is how all New Yorkers behave when "dating" (as well as New Jersey boys from my experience). And, this is a really good thing, it may have been accidental this time round but I am def going to employ similar tactics in the future.

ADVISE FROM A VEGAN

My mag-nif friend the Vegan (a.k.a Pamela, Vegan's eat cheese doodles??) called last night, after about an hour of rambling on about my latest exploits, he told me point blank that I need to be writing this all in my blog. Partly, I'm sure on his behalf, so that i get all this chatter out of my system and save his phone bill. But also, as he put it "it's not so much the aggressive self loathing, as the witty repartee that draws me to your writing" (Yes, the vegan uses this kind of language on a regular basis... This kind of sentence to him is the equivalent to "Hey girl...Uh uh...No you did-n't" for the average American, this is part of the beauty and charm of my fair-vegan and his Hare Krishna ways..)
Anyway his campaigning was working. But, i still felt that i really needed extra motivation to get back on the saddle, something that would make me sit and write. After much deliberation with V, the idea of stalking my latest conquest seemed like too much of an opportunity to miss... just think about it... writing about the medieval artist and his heroic Georgian-esque ways, whilst sat in a cafe on his street, he could walk past at any minute. So, it's been decided, tomorrow at 2, let the stalking commence. The vegan and I sipping coffee, typing away on our laptops, inconspicuous to all, but secretly plotting... You see its got me typing already...

I'M LOVING ANGELS INSTEAD

Thursday night at the bar with Madame fabusaurus-rex (actress/diva extraordinaire.) Green point is its usual scruffy self, everyone trying to look as though the least bit of effort has been made. Every boy wears plaid, has a beard/moustache and the greasiest of hair (yum-seriously, that's hot!) and the ladies... God only knows. However, not fabusaurs and I, oh no, not us...we have no shame in looking good, effort has been made, we're going in guns blazing, shaking what are mothers gave us! Total confidence boost!! You'd think Green point had never seen an attractive lady (much less 2).

The bartenders had caught our interest, meaning I thought one was hot and the other thought fabusaurus was hot (much to her dismay!) They kept giving us free drinks and I started to chat with Knoxville, at first he was being a bit cool and stand offish, but after a bit he warms up and we began to flirt. It turns out that he's in a band (of course) and he has played a lot in England, and strangely enough he's played in my home town on various occasions, this reminder of home, makes me even more interested.

I go off to the loo and see I have text from fabu:
Text Message
"He's Married!"

Oh, that's not so fun...When I get back to the bar, I ask him he says he's been married for 2 years but has been with her for 9. (Fab! The gold wedding band, I 'd failed to notice before, now is very noticeable) I kind of back off until we decide to get pics in the photo booth, knox and Fred (the other bartender) come with us. Due to the lack of space, I end up on Knox's knee, his hands are round my waist (they feel great). After this we're straight back into flirting, something is going to happen....

The customer's start to clear out of the bar... Fabusaurus wants to leave, but is staying to support me with the mating ritual. She pulls knox across the bar and says:

"Listen. Will you get this over with? It's late and I'd like to go home. Copy?"
He nods.

Soon it's just the four of us, Knoxville suddenly changes, all reserve has left him, now, he is super-confident, loud, smiling from ear to ear... Yey, he's fun, definitely fancy him. I know the whole wife business is not so good, and I'm really not proud of me trying to pull a married man (It's normally something I'm dead against, but I'm drunk and I suppose I don't really care... sorry, but am just being honest with you guys.) He starts to sing (really sing) I realise that he is singing Robbie Williams... You know, really singing Robbie... There was lots of passion involved, I'm finding it increasingly difficult to watch his fall from grace, especially during the chorus, when all inhibitions fly out the window, and he's belting (howling) out every line, giving Mr Williams a run for his money. As the song draws to an end, I sigh (phew) and feel like it's safe to look back up at him, I think I can get passed this. What?? Another one, straight after, this can't be happening... I see him arch his back, he's getting ready to start, I look at Fabasaurus she nods, we get up, we leave...

TURKISH DELIGHT... NOT SO DELIGHTFUL

Yesterday morning I was on the subway on my way to work, as usual the train was "waiting at the station, due to traffic ahead" so I sat there for 10 minutes, stressing out about being late, when a figure taps me on the head, I look up and to my horror I see Turkish delight! I automatically blush as distant memories start racing through my head, i feel sick... Shit! I try to mask my horror and smile sweetly "Hey! Haven't seen you for ages... so, yeah...I guess I'm back!"

Why, oh, why oh why, do I ALWAYS bump into this young Turk??!!

How It Started

I met him and a couple of his friends on the 4th July (Independence day) I had gone out to see if i could see the fireworks from my street, I was alone and it was raining. His friend offered that I share his umbrella, we got chatting and they invited me for a beer. They were perfectly sweet boys (total nerds) because I was waiting to meet a friend, I thought why not?

The Power of Wine

A few months later, I was on my way back from work when I bumped into Turkish delight, he asked if i wanted a drink, so we bought a bottle of wine and went to his. The more wine I drank, the more I started to think that maybe i fancied him, I could possibly go through with it, maybe it would be nice?? It gets later and later and he tells me I can stay over "as friends" so I get into his bed... (still not certain if i want anything to do with him, but think if he makes a move, i might have a little kiss just for the hell of it) So, when he tells me "I really want to kiss you, I've been wanting to all night..." I think why the hell not?
Ugh!! WTF?? Can someone please explain to me how a 28 year old male, who has been in a couple of long term relationships, can kiss like that? It was horrific... I could feel his entire gum and his teeth whilst kissing, it felt as though his jaw was wired together, so the overall effect was like kissing a robot, if that was all he was capable of, why on earth would he even say he'd been wanting to kiss me, there is no way he could enjoy such a thing, there was nothing sexual about him, he was awkward (I feel sick just thinking about it) and as for his hands... Aaahhhh, stupid pathetic male. I felt like i was "making out" with an over-excited 13 year old.

Repeat Performance
I really have no explanation to why a few nights later I find myself accepting his invitation and am stood at his apartment door. As soon as he opens it, I feel this sinking feeling. He starts talking, I can't even look at him... It's the way he speaks, his jaw is so stiff, his chin so protruding, and his lips curl up, I am suddenly reminded as to how grossed out i was by our previous encounter (and now I've come back for more!! Am i insane??!!) I want to get the fuck out of there, but I don't (?) it ends up the same way as last time (this time I'm not even drunk) None of the pathetic gropes, awkward fingers can be numbed out by alcohol, there is no way that I can think of someone else either (you would never want to think of anyone touching you the way he does). He is getting really into it, even though I am stiff and the only reaction my body makes is shudders of disgust. And then, the not so delightful Turk, moves my hand down to his pants, (no chance love) I whip my hand away. So rather than taking the hint (me being stiff, barely kissing him, not wanting to touch him etc...) He decides to get it out himself and starts beating it off pointing it towards my stomach. I don't even have the energy to tell him to put it away and leave. Instead I just let him get on with it, I offer my waist as a gift to him, he will never get to cum over something so fabulous again (unless its in print.)

Caught out
So after he exploded all over me, I finally learned my lesson and have avoided him like the plague ever since... But for some reason, fate wants to fuck with me as I always bump into him!!! It's not fair!!!! Every time I do, I get myself into a web of lies that I can't even keep up with:

• Me and my Ex are back together
• My Ex is in NY
• My ex deleted him from my facebook
• My ex deleted him from my phone
  

And the last time I 'bumped' into him, I told him I was moving back to London and "NO, NEVER COMING BACK."

Oops, how am I going to get out of this one...

I WAS OFFERED A LIFE LINE, I STILL SUNK.

I apologise sincerely, I really hoped that I would never have to mention the professor again, especially so soon. I am weak!!

So pissed at myself, was doing so well, had not contacted him all week, and was feeling better (less obsessed) this is a vulnerable place to be in as you think you're over the worst and it won't matter if you contact him. So, i woke up yesterday and had this overwhelming need to text him told him it was a shame we weren't friends (how pathetic...as if i want to be his friend!?) He responds telling me: He really liked me but feels he was going to get hurt, he wants something real and i don't... throughout the messages the general theme was he really, really liked me and wanted to try and see me later on and would call me...

By this morning I have not heard a whisper (plus I texted him drunk at 3am "your full of shit") So, when I'm on facebook and see he's online I can not resist but to message him, I am boiling up with rage, and i don't give a shit about all the cool i have worked so hard for, I just lose it, and abuse him! Including telling him he is insane and "good luck with finding something real that should be interesting..." He responds with the same shit and excuses... why can't he just say he's not in to me? Or "leave me alone you crazy bitch!" So we chat for a bit and then stop. But, i can't leave it at that can I???? Oh no, fucking bunny boiler then texts him asking if he can come round... AAAahhhhhhhhhhhh???!!!! Seriously?! Am i a fucking loon? this is some serious self harm. He says he's helping a friend but will call me later (we know that won't happen).

Now, i need to explain something about the professor and me... This is all ego, my ego. I just can't deal with some not so attractive boy with no ambition going from being besotted with me to disinterested. Although i know this, it doesn't make it any easier, it is a gruesome battle and i need to win to prove to myself that I am fabulous!

I am so upset after giving in again and texting him, that i go see my housemate (Tom Cruise) at his new lady friends in our building. I am telling them everything and generally breaking down. When she hands me this little black box and tells me to use this and I should start to feel better about things. I open the box to see a beautifully crafted small black vibrator (for the clitoris)

Because of my adoration for men, i have never seen the appeal with vibrators, but this smooth, small black object looks like a life line chucked out to me, i suddenly see that this is what my life has been missing, if this works maybe I will learn to just be myself and no longer feel this male need i crave.

I set it all up:

• You tube play list: with Pete, Jarvis and Julian on the large screen
• Double lock the front door
• Turn out the lights
• Relax

Not so much!! Although i did feel very relaxed there really was nothing to it, I just couldn't get into it, was thinking too much. I don't want a mechanical buzzing block, unless there's a hot man attached to it (or at the very least: present)

I will keep trying...

IF I CAN'T HAVE YOU... THEN I NEED A MAGIC PEN

The man hunt is off!!

It has suddenly dawned on me whilst watching various you tube clips with my housemate that:

If I can't have Pete...

If I can't have Jarvis...

If I can't have Julian...

Then I need a vibrator

LETTING OFF STEAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am going to put my hands up and confess: I love Lily Allen, in fact i am going to wave them up high and shout it... She has been a guilty pleasure of mine for a while now, but recently she has really stepped up and become not only my therapist but also, she is me/I am her.

Without Lily, i would be an even bigger pathetic mess. Whenever I am dealing with boy trouble or about to cave in and do something stupid, Lily reels me back in.

Below, shows why Lily has become my life guru:
In moments of weakness, I whack on "Shame for you"

"Shattered the lie but you think I don't already know, Don't try to deny 'cause my fuse is ready to blow It's your turn to learn I think you know where to go It's a shame shame shame for you"

These words make me feel strong and fab and "fuck you!!!" It is a shame for you, a shame for you and your little penis...

Oh, and the opening of the song (loves it):

"I've been thinking that you've crossed the line, If you disappeared that would be just fine, 'cause you waste my time and waste my money and you're not too cool and not too funny! Spreading your seed all over the town getting too greedy and messing around: Oh my gosh you must be joking me If you think that you'll be poking me."

OK, so maybe i don't actually feel this way, maybe i am desperate for a reappearance. However, when i hear this it makes me stronger and it feels GREAT!!

Seriously, you rarely hear women talk like this so publicly (except feminists and butch dikes, so no one listens as they are ugly) but to have a hot, young, feminine girl exposing her exes so publicly is so empowering. Those men needed telling, and I love her for it... I'm sick of mothering these little fuckers and massaging their egos.

And as for not big:

"I saw you thought this was gonna be easy, Well, you're out of luck. Yeah, let's rewind, let's turn back time to when you couldn't get it up, You know what it shoulda ended there, That's when I shoulda shown you the door. As if that weren't enough to deal with, You became premature."

Thank you lil!!! He couldn't get it up??? Why didn't it end there, its a good question, so, if i had a penis which became incompetent, do you think Tom, Dick and Harry would be hanging around, trying to build up my confidence trying to find ways to approach the subject and deal with it...NO fucking way!!!

So, next time your feeling heartbroken and sad about a retarded male, put on one of the following songs:

• Lily Allen "Not Big"
• Lily Allen "Shame for you"
• Lily Allen "Smile"
• Beyonce "If I was a boy"
• Beyonce "Irreplaceable"
• Kelis "Caught out there"
• Destiny's Child "Independent Woman"
• Britney Spears "Stronger"
• Aretha Franklin "R.E.S.P.E.C.T"
• Kelly Clarkson "Since you've been gone"

I'm telling you it works, even if only for a minute, it could save you from getting into all sorts of trouble or degrading situations
(Have you looked at these girls!! How are such beautiful, talented, intelligent ladies, being put in situations where they even need to sing about this stuff... No man could EVER look as good)

And, ones to avoid at all costs:

• Sinead O'Connor "Nothing Compares to you" Umm, lots of things compare to you, such as arseholes, vomit, vermin...
  
• The Pretenders "I'll stand by you" If your not going to tell me what's wrong, and act like a moody dick then you know where the door is.
• Roxette "Must have been Love" blah, blah, blah, shut your mouth buy a handbag (Miu Miu, Marc Jacobs... Things will feel great)

And all of these are from the 80's WTF??!! Shoulder pads, women climbing up the corporate ladder... Seriously?